Once I met my husband and we fell in love and decided that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together I thought my days of heartbreak were over. This is not to say we have the most perfect marriage but I must say it's as close to perfect as I can imagine. We've been through so much in our 8 years together and regardless of how difficult we've made it through together. "Me and you and you and me," is what we always say. I remember laying in the hospital bed after waking up from my cancer surgery, totally drugged and there he was along side my parents and sisters. I looked like hell (little sisters never lie) and I felt like it, but there stood my then boyfriend telling me how beautiful I was and that we could make it through anything "me and you and you and me!" And we did, he stood my be during 3 months of hell, surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure. And I went through that hell so that I could some day have my own child and here I am 6 years later facing obstacle after obstacle with my husband right there by my side, me and him and him and me.
I knew the surgery would preserve my fertility, meaning it wasn't the usual hysterectomy that was done for cervical cancer; they removed my cervix and some lymph nodes and that was it, everything else was left perfectly in tact. Unfortunately I faced many complications after the initial surgery and that is why I had so many others. I still remember laying in my hospital bed after my 3rd major surgery, talking to my oncologist who was about 3 or 4 years older than me, and very matter of fact, she never sugar coated anything and I loved that about her. I remember her telling me that although the surgery would preserve my fertility there was no guarantee that I could have children, that after everything I had just been through it would be hard, not to mention that at the time there were only a few hundred women who had been "followed" who had had my surgery and gone on to have their own children. Sadly I've googled every year and haven't found anything different. That conversation with my oncologist has always been in the back of my mind. I remember that I started crying. I was 30 years old, not engaged/married yet and new that I waned one child of my own and that I had chosen the surgery so that I could have that.
I never thought that I would be here today. I never thought I would get cancer. I'm not a super crazy health nut but I take good care of myself. I maintain a healthy weight, even a couple years ago when I joined Weight Watchers I wasn't overweight yet, I had gained some weight and felt that it was too much for me and needed to do something about it, but technically I was still considered a healthy weight. 97% of the beverages that I drink are pure water or decaf herbal tea, I only drink coffee in the mornings and wine on occasion, I don't over eat, I dance and do yoga, I go to an acupuncturist, I rarely get sick. Other than the cancer the only other medical conditions I have are sleep disorders (RLS - restless leg syndrome, PLMD 0- periodic limb movement disorder and narcolepsy) and most recently the pituitary adnoma (diagnosed in 2007), SAD which is somewhat tied to my sleeping disorders and a form of depression although not really depression (hard to explain but I take medication for it, at least I used to prior to TTC, I had to stop because they say it can cause birth defects). All treatable with medication and nothing life threatening and all things I was born with and that I can't really do anything about other than continue to work closely with my doctors.
I know so many other people who don't take care of themselves even half as much as I do and they have nothing wrong with them or they have children at the drop of a hat. Really makes me realize how unfair life is. We have everything, good jobs, a great marriage, supportive families (for the most part), we can give our child everything and yet we can't have one. I know people who have horrible marriages, can barely afford do live, are unhealthy and yet they can have children whenever they want. No I would never want to trade places but I just wish there was a way to make sense of it all. We want a baby so bad, my husband will be the best father ever, I think he adores children even more than I do. I know I'm a hardass on the surface but deep down I'm very sensitive and emotional and have always been far more maternal that I like to let on and yet here we are. Months of trying and nothing but BFN after BFN after BFN. Then we try IFV and I get pregnant only to lose it at 5 weeks and now another IVF only to not have it work at all.
I haven't cried this hard since I was a teenager dealing with heartbreak over my first love. I almost blacked out when I got off the phone with the nurse. I got up from my couch (we have 2 across from each other and I've been laying on mine most of the time since ET) to go over to my husband so we could hug and deal with the news and I remember feeling dizzy and everything getting blurry before I sat down. Its like it wasn't real. I still remember him running over when he heard the phone and when I hung up he asked what the number was. When I said there wasn't one, that it was negative, that it didn't work he broke down. He kept asking "how can that be, how did it not work?" We both laid on the couch in each others arms and cried for at least an hour if not longer and then we just fell asleep. I've never seen my husband cry this hard. At one point he said he felt like his heart was breaking it hurt so bad. In some ways I think we were mourning both today's news and the loss of the chemical pregnancy. I remember crying then but not like today, I think I was in too much shock and denial that I just forced myself to move on instead of deal with reality. In some ways I think today's news was harder because it took so long to even get to this point. After the chemical pregnancy we were going to try again but when I finally felt mentally ready my husband lost his job and we both agreed that it wasn't a good idea to try and get pregnant on one paycheck and savings. Although sometimes I wonder if that would have worked since it seems that so many people around us who can't afford to have children get pregnant so easily. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for being so prepared. I know it's not true but bitterness takes over a lot and I can't help but feel that way. So many of my cousins were born and unwanted or born to parents who couldn't afford them and yet they kept having kids. I don't understand!
It's been 10 hours since I got the news and I'm still crying. My eyes are so puffy. We had plans tonight but after the call decided to just stay in. I've never been an emotional eater but tonight I ate everything I have given up over the past month in hopes that it would somehow help the process. I had wine for the first time in a month. We had cheese and crackers for dinner. I hate cotton candy and a sundae. All small portions but I still ate it. I remember waking up from our nap and both of us had been hoping that somehow the nurse made a mistake and that the phone would ring again with good news. My husband kept saying it over and over that it had to be a mistake that I had done so much - I rested more than ever, I stopped dancing, I stopped eating a lot of foods that I love because my acupuncturist said I needed to hold off till the second trimester. I cut my coffee intake from 32oz. every morning to 8oz. I did everything I could, but of course it doesn't stop me from wondering what more I could have done or what I did do that made it not work.
Now what? I'm out of sick days for the year. I only have $700 left on my FSA card which is what I use to pay for acupuncture and the IFV med copay, our "baby fund" is depleted and now all we have is the house fund (house down payment). the first IVF was covered by my old insurance so I got most of it back, and at the time the RE clinic hadn't raised their prices (they went up that same year a month after we started). Hubby said he was going to call our financial advisor to see if there were any investments that we could dip into without penalty. I never thought I wold be able to do a second IvF more or less a third but I'm just not ready to give up the way I though I'd be but I do know that it has to be soon because I can't mentally deal with doing this during the Fall or Winter again (I suffer from SAD) and regardless of how young I still look I will be 37 at the end of the year and I don't think I can handle doing this for another year or being that close to 40 and still trying. I never wanted to be this old and childless but something about 37 makes it feel just too old for me.
That's it for now. I feel myself getting numb and zoning out again. I'm surprised this hasn't caused me to have a nervous breakdown, although I feel like I'm teetering on the fence, which is another reason this can't go on much longer. 3 years off my antidepressants makes every day a struggle.
Can Essential Oils help with fertility?
11 years ago