So over dealing with family

I never told my parents or anyone in my family about the 1st IVF. Hubby told his parents and I was okay with that, I actually trust them, but my family is a different story. My mom does not have the slightest clue about infertility or any struggles with having children. To my knowledge she's been PG 5 maybe 6 times; me and my 2 sisters and 2 miscarriages that I know of but something tells me there may be a 3rd. My grandmother had 5 kids (1 still born we think) and she lost a couple as well (no one talks about it). It's very possible that had I not had cancer and the surgeries I had that maybe I would never have had issues myself, but we'll never know. My mom is also from a different country and culture and generation and what I like to refer to as a convenient/selective Catholic (church on holidays, does Lent but doesn't really follow other "rules." it's a long story but lets just say her religious views are skewed and I've never agreed with them). I was born and raised here and while I was brought up with some of the same cultural things that my mom grew up with I am totally americanized and I don't believe in organized religion. I always remember my mom making comments that so and so couldn't have a baby so God must be punishing her. WTF?! Or saying shit like "oh poor thing, she can't have kids, I heard she is using a thermometer because something is wrong." The amount of ignorance surrounding fertility in my family is too much to get into. My aunt never had kids and everyone said it was because she started when she was too old (like 38-43 I think, again no one really talks about it). So you can imagine that when we were faced with obstacles it wasn't like I went running to my mom to tell her anything. Not to mention that my mom and I have what I like to call a disfunctionally close relationship. We speak almost daily and hubby and I visit my parents every week for dinners but I've always kept my life as private as possible for many, many reasons. My family did know about the cancer, couldn't hide that one and they were all very supportive but baby making was never something that I felt the need to discuss with family. We made it through the entire cycle and no one knew (with the exception of a few friends who I trusted), when we got the BFP I couldn't wait to tell my family, especially because it was during the holidays so we announced it on NYE and they were beyond thrilled. My mom was great but I still couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was via IVF, if for no other reason that I didn't want to deal with the stigma that she always attached to it.

Rewind for a second...

During the genetic testing with the first IVF they found the blood clotting disorder and apparently it’s genetic. I have 2 sisters but I have a different father and there is no way to know who the disorder came from. I think it was my father based on some medical history but at the same time both my mom and grandma experienced miscarriages early on and for unknown reasons. The doctors said that I needed to tell my sisters because they are both younger, don't have kids, are on BCP and they smoke. I was on BCP for 17+ years and smoked a bit back in the day and I was fine, but the doctors kept stressing that I needed to say something. Question is, how do you casually bring that up over family dinner without mentioning why you had this blood test done? Exactly, so here we are over a year later and I still haven't said anything but I feel that I need to. After much thought I had originally decided that I would tell my parents about this IVF (still never mentioning the 1st). I've been planning my story for months, mainly avoiding the fact that it could be me, it could be hubby, but focusing more on the fact that every doctor has said it was the best option ever since I had the 2nd cerclauge removed 4 years ago and because of my special circumstances that all my specialists want to monitor everything from the get go to make sure nothing happens to me, especially after the infection in January of this year. All of that is totally true, so I'm not lying at all I'm just leaving out a few details. Why you may ask? Well if you didn't quite put 2 and 2 together yet the last thing I want or need is to have my crazy mother start saying or thinking that God has punished me for something. I may have left Catholicism but that Catholic guilt just never quite goes away, especially when your mother still believes it. And even though I don't believe in it, I don't need her saying or thinking it.

I had my whole story worked out and this would also be the time I would mention the clotting disorder. Once we decided to finally move forward with the IVF I kept trying to mentally prepare myself for the discussion. Remember I don't discuss things like this with my parents, I had a hard time telling them I was pregnant as if that was a bad thing so can you imagine having to explain to them that due to everything else now we need help trying to have a child. Maybe it's just me but this is NOT the type of conversation I have with my family. I mean how do you casually bring up something like this especially when I have specifically told everyone (parents and sisters) that they were NOT allowed to ever ask when we were going to have kids (as you can imagine the questions started once we got married) and they have all been especially careful after the chemical pg.

So here we are, essentially a week and a half into treatment (I'm counting the Estrace week here too) and I still haven’t said a word. Granted I've only seen my parents once since we started, which was Easter and that definitely is NOT the time to discuss this IMO and I'm not sure if I should just do it over the phone or what? Not sure if we are going to make it over this weekend because hubby and I have plans, then next weekend might be the retrieval, then 3-5 days later the transfer. When will I have time? And now especially, at this moment, I just hung up with my mom after she pissed me off over something really stupid yet typical of her and now I just feel like, fuck it you will never know! Fortunately hubby has always been the most amazing support system for me and I have a couple super close friends who I trust and then the forums where I like the anoninity yet still gain support. Maybe I won't say anything, unless of course it becomes physically obvious (last time I lost weight during IVF so no one would even have thought to ask anything). I could just wait till BFP or the first u/s then say something about the clotting issue later and say that they found out while doing some blood work on me. My situation is so different than any other than no one (my family) questions things like that because nothing is ever routine or normal with me. Hmmm, maybe that will be my new plan. At least for today.
Just realized that I am starting to feel twinges in my pelvic area, guess that means things are working. I go to acu tomorrow, then u/s Thursday morning then acu again Friday. I'll post again later tonight after the shots.

I never told my parents or anyone in my family about the 1st IVF. Hubby told his parents and I was okay with that, I actually trust them, but my family is a different story. My mom does not have the slightest clue about infertility or any struggles with having children. To my knowledge she's been PG 5 maybe 6 times; me and my 2 sisters and 2 miscarriages that I know of but something tells me there may be a 3rd. My grandmother had 5 kids (1 still born we think) and she lost a couple as well (no one talks about it). It's very possible that had I not had cancer and the surgeries I had that maybe I would never have had issues myself, but we'll never know. My mom is also from a different country and culture and generation and what I like to refer to as a convenient/selective Catholic (church on holidays, does Lent but doesn't really follow other "rules." it's a long story but lets just say her religious views are skewed and I've never agreed with them). I was born and raised here and while I was brought up with some of the same cultural things that my mom grew up with I am totally Americanized and I don't believe in organized religion. I always remember my mom making comments that so and so couldn't have a baby so God must be punishing her. WTF?! Or saying shit like "oh poor thing, she can't have kids, I heard she is using a thermometer because something is wrong." The amount of ignorance surrounding fertility in my family is too much to get into. My aunt never had kids and everyone said it was because she started when she was too old (like 38-43 I think, again no one really talks about it). So you can imagine that when we were faced with obstacles it wasn't like I went running to my mom to tell her anything. Not to mention that my mom and I have what I like to call a disfunctionally close relationship. We speak almost daily and hubby and I visit my parents every week for dinners but I've always kept my life as private as possible for many, many reasons. My family did know about the cancer, couldn't hide that one and they were all very supportive but baby making was never something that I felt the need to discuss with family. We made it through the entire cycle and no one knew (with the exception of a few friends who I trusted), when we got the BFP I couldn't wait to tell my family, especially because it was during the holidays so we announced it on NYE and they were beyond thrilled. My mom was great but I still couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was via IVF, if for no other reason that I didn't want to deal with the stigma that she always attached to it.
Rewind for a second...

During the genetic testing with the first IVF they found the blood clotting disorder and apparently it’s genetic. I have 2 sisters but I have a different father and there is no way to know who the disorder came from. I think it was my father based on some medical history but at the same time both my mom and grandma experienced miscarriages early on and for unknown reasons. The doctors said that I needed to tell my sisters because they are both younger, don't have kids, are on BCP and they smoke. I was on BCP for 17+ years and smoked a bit back in the day and I was fine, but the doctors kept stressing that I needed to say something. Question is, how do you casually bring that up over family dinner without mentioning why you had this blood test done? Exactly, so here we are over a year later and I still haven't said anything but I feel that I need to. After much thought I had originally decided that I would tell my parents about this IVF (still never mentioning the 1st). I've been planning my story for months, mainly avoiding the fact that it could be me, it could be hubby, but focusing more on the fact that every doctor has said it was the best option ever since I had the 2nd cerclauge removed 4 years ago and because of my special circumstances that all my specialists want to monitor everything from the get go to make sure nothing happens to me, especially after the infection in January of this year. All of that is totally true, so I'm not lying at all I'm just leaving out a few details. Why you may ask? Well if you didn't quite put 2 and 2 together yet the last thing I want or need is to have my crazy mother start saying or thinking that God has punished me for something. I may have left Catholicism but that Catholic guilt just never quite goes away, especially when your mother still believes it. And even though I don't believe in it, I don't need her saying or thinking it.
I had my whole story worked out and this would also be the time I would mention the clotting disorder. Once we decided to finally move forward with the IVF I kept trying to mentally prepare myself for the discussion. Remember I don't discuss things like this with my parents, I had a hard time telling them I was pregnant as if that was a bad thing so can you imagine having to explain to them that due to everything else now we need help trying to have a child. Maybe it's just me but this is NOT the type of conversation I have with my family. I mean how do you casually bring up something like this especially when I have specifically told everyone (parents and sisters) that they were NOT allowed to ever ask when we were going to have kids (as you can imagine the questions started once we got married) and they have all been especially careful after the chemical pg.
So here we are, essentially a week and a half into treatment (I'm counting the Estrace week here too) and I still haven’t said a word. Granted I've only seen my parents once since we started, which was Easter and that definitely is NOT the time to discuss this IMO and I'm not sure if I should just do it over the phone or what? Not sure if we are going to make it over this weekend because hubby and I have plans, then next weekend might be the retrieval, then 3-5 days later the transfer. When will I have time? And now especially, at this moment, I just hung up with my mom after she pissed me off over something really stupid yet typical of her and now I just feel like, fuck it you will never know! Fortunately hubby has always been the most amazing support system for me and I have a couple super close friends who I trust and then the forums where I like the anonymity yet still gain support. Maybe I won't say anything, unless of course it becomes physically obvious (last time I lost weight during IVF so no one would even have thought to ask anything). I could just wait till BFP or the first u/s then say something about the clotting issue later and say that they found out while doing some blood work on me. My situation is so different than any other than no one (my family) questions things like that because nothing is ever routine or normal with me. Hmmm, maybe that will be my new plan. At least for today.
Just realized that I am starting to feel twinges in my pelvic area, guess that means things are working. I go to acu tomorrow, then u/s Thursday morning then acu again Friday. I'll post again later tonight after the shots.

As if this post wasn't long enough to begin with I have more to add. My younger sister is getting married this year in the Fall. No one is happy about it and no one really approves of who she is marrying. I personally do not want to be in the wedding. I'm not a wedding person to begin with, I planned my own and have been in 2 others and hated it each time. My sister and I aren't really close either and really I just don't want any part of it especially because it means dealing with my mom's shit which I try to avoid whenever possible. I didn't allow my mom to be involved in teh planning of my wedding because she thought she could have it her way even though I was paying so it's a sore spot on many levels. If all goes well with this cycle I may not even be able to attend my sisters wedding because I will either just have had surgery or already be on bed-rest (more on that in a separate post). Subconsciously I think this adds to me NOT wanting to tell my parents. They are already not happy that I want no part of my sister's wedding and I can honestly say that I think my mom would try to say that I planned it this way so that I wouldn't be there for her wedding either. Yes my mom is that crazy. Frankly the reason we didn't do the IVF last year was 2 reasons, one hubby got laid off in March 2008 so even though we had the money we had to keep it in savings just in case we needed it, and two when he did find a job in the Fall I couldn’t' deal with doing another IVF during the same time of year as the first, it was just too painful to relive again more or less during the same time frame, so we decided to wait till Spring of 2010 and here we are. Can you tell that I just got off the phone with my mother and she mentioned wedding stuff. It's like she simply refuses to accept that I am not one to be fake and pretend, I don't support the wedding so I can't pretend and smile and play along, I'm too old for that shit and really I have more important things to deal with, like starting my family.

end rant